While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
