Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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