I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
