every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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