Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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