yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
