Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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