FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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