you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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