Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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