i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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