my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
