You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
