I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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