When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
