wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
