Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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