Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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