My brain says no but my pants say off.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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