why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
