My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
