i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think pants incapable of making pants work
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
