i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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