Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
