You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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