My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
