i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
