Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
