Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
