I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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