So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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