I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
