did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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