I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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