i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
