So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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