My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
