Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
