her vagine was all disorganized.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
