even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
