sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
