I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
