my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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