My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
