i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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