Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
