capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
