sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
