the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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