im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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