So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
