I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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